Religion to me was like language, I can't remember how it developed within me, I just always took it for granted that God exists. My parents both believed in God, and they gave me their fath. The religious services that I attended were about worship rituals. There were no discussions about why people should worship God, or whether or not God cares about how people lived. There were no teachings or sermons directed at learning about oneself or about how one can grow morally or even spiritually. And so God to me was all about worship, and favours. Whenever I was in need or in trouble, I would beg for God’s help and promise God in return, that I would be more regular at worshiping Him. I always felt that God answered my prayers and all went well with my faith.
I lost my father when I was eight years old and I moved away from my mother in my teens. Life was hard, I was desperate many times and during these times, I turned to God as usual for help. For the most part, I felt that my prayers were not being answered and there were times when I was as good as homeless. It was around this time that it began to occur to me that there might be a relationship between God's willingness to help me, and my choices in life. Up until then, I never once thought, or was taught by anyone, that God cared about what I chose to do with my life. I was accustomed to doing what felt good or what benefited me or what made me popular with my friends. I don’t remember having any thoughts about doing good or doing bad, from a moral point of view.
Also around this time, I realized that my friends, without exception, were taking on the religion or faith of their parents. I had done the same thing, and so I knew that I would be a Muslim if my parents were Muslims, a Hindu if my parents were Hindus, Jewish, if my parents were Jews, Christian, if my parents were Christians. This realization didn’t sit well with me, it made me wonder if there was actually a God, and if so why different people or cultures have contradicting views of God. At one point, I was prepared to abandon my faith, but before doing so I thought that I should make my own attempt, without the influence of any one, not even my mother’s influence, to find God, if God is to be found. I refused to turn to anyone for guidance because I was skeptical and I did not want to be indoctrinated or pressured into believing this or that. The question of God’s existence was too important to me. One thing that I was certain off, was that if God exists, then God should be able to see me, or communicate with me if God so chooses. I didn't need anyone to guide me to God and so I made up my mind to appeal to God directly. I knew that I had nothing to lose, if it turns out that there is no God.
One day I went for a walk and I said words similar to these:
God, If you exist, I am sorry to question your existence. If you can hear me God, I would like to know you.
Almost immediately after I said these words, a question popped up from my inner voice. Why do you want to know God? What would you like God to do for you?
My response was simple:
God, if you exist, please come into my life and mold me as you wish. Please make me an instrument of your peace and love. I promise you that whatever you show me to do, that I will do it. I am not happy with the way my life is unfolding and I can’t seem to do much to change things for the better. Please help me God.
That same day, during that same walk, I began to feel differently. It was as If I woke up from a deep sleep. It was the first time that I took notice of my inner voice! The world seemed brighter, colours were sharper, and I believed that there was a relationship between my daily choices and how my life unfolds. From then on my inner voice or conscience, scrutinized whatever I chose to do. Today, looking back, I can say that whatever pain or difficulties I was experiencing then, went away immediately. My anxiety about the future was replaced with peace, hope and faith. I was optimistic that things would be better. Shortly after I made my appeal to God, I met God in my dream. I was lying in bed, wrapped in a mummy like sheet and the Spirit of God asked me this question:
Do you want to die and be born perfect or do you want to continue on, the way you are?
The thought of dying made me think of my mother. I could see her wailing and crying, and this made me sad. I was a father at this point, and I did not want my son growing up without me around. And so in that dream, I told God that I did not want to die.
It was an unusual dream, in that there was nothing before the visitation and nothing came after, just the question, a little time to think, and a response. I woke up immediately after the dream and related it to my then girlfriend.
The next day she and I went to a convenience store and while on a pedestrian crosswalk, we were almost mowed down. A Volvo sped by within inches of where we walked, and I was able to see inside the vehicle - I saw that the male driver had a newspaper spread out on his lap, he was reading and driving! We lived, and ever since, I have had no doubt that God intervened to save me from being killed. This incident reinforced my faith, and despite the fact that I had given up on the faith of my parents at this point, I believed in the existence of God, and I was beginning to develop a personal relationship with Him, but I was not a member of any religious group.
One day, on the campus of the university where I studied, a man walked up to me and asked me this question: Who was Jesus? I thought his question was odd, because I was not acquainted with him. But I politely told him who I thought Jesus was: a prophet and a teacher. He said to me that Jesus was the Son of God. I knew then the man was a Christian, and I told him that I was familiar with this view, but that I didn’t believe it. God has no wife to bear God a child, I said to him. We spoke briefly and parted agreeing to disagree.
That evening at supper time, I remembered the conversation and so I took his question to God.
Who was Jesus? I asked God prayerfully. With my eyes closed I saw a vision of Jesus attending a festival that he had told his disciples that he would not be attending.
John 7:8-10 New International Version (NIV)
You go to the festival. I am not going up to this festival, because my time has not yet fully come. After he had said this, he stayed in Galilee. However, after his brothers had left for the festival, he went also, not publicly, but in secret.
Immediately, I knew that Jesus is the Son of the living God. I was excited! I turned to my girl friend and asked her the same question: “Who was Jesus?” She gave me the same answer that I had given to the man, earlier – Jesus was a good man, a prophet. I pointed out to her that she had never met Jesus or met anyone that’s ever met him, and so unless she received a revelation from God on the identity of Jesus, she really couldn’t say that she knew who Jesus was. She agreed and decided to do as I did – ask God for clarification. That night she prayed. Around midnight, she woke me up to tell me that God had revealed to her that Jesus was Him. We were both baptized shortly after this and began attending church regularly.
These things took place over forty years ago but it hasn’t always been smooth sailing. During my early Christian journey, I embraced the gospel like a child, I accepted God’s promises and directions in the Bible, in a literal sense. All went well, my difficulties were few and far between and my education was going well. But the more successful I became the more critical I was of my faith, I was at times embarrassed about being a Christian. Several of the professors I admired were non believers, but they seemed kind, enlightened and progressive. Yet many Christians I read about came across as violent, racist and intolerant. In Christian evangelical terms, I was backsliding. I never reached the point of rejecting God, but I abandoned my relationship with Jesus, and reverted to looking at choices almost entirely from the point of what pleasure they yielded. I sought to “think” for myself, rather than accept the counsel of my inner voice.
For almost two years, I was in a rut, plagued by hopelessness and failure to lead a disciplined life. Through God’s grace, I remained faithful to my marriage, but I certainly did not reflect the teachings of Jesus in my daily life. I struggled with my studies. A turnaround occurred the day that I decided to skip classes. That morning I laid on the couch with the television playing in the background. A Christian program by the late David Mainse came on at the end of the morning news. I paid no particular interest but I was too lazy to rise and change the Chanel, so I listened to the entire program. At its completion, I went and drew water for a bath. As soon as I stepped into the water, I became overwhelmed by guilt and sorrow, as the last two years of my life flashing slowly in my head. I saw how reckless my values had become. I wept in disgust and shame as I begged for God forgiveness.
I am forgiven but something had changed in my relationship with the Lord. My innocence and childlike embrace of the gospel were gone. During the years of backsliding, I had questioned everything and became legalistic. If I didn’t understand a mystery, I rejected it, much of what is written in the Bible, I saw as myths and fables.
What is wrong with questioning unknown mysteries, you ask. The problem is that I never directed my questions to the Lord, I did not keep an open mind, I merely sought answers that fits my lifestyle. And so despite several direct revelations of the truth of the gospel, my faith was still challenged.
Another significant thing occurred shortly after my forgiveness. My renewed yearning for God’s grace had quickly turned things around for the better. My studies were again on track and my old values were restored. I had gained acceptance into a professional school and was some two years from graduating. Life was good, I felt close to the Lord again. So close, that as I sat on my favourite chair one afternoon, I reflected on the problems in our world - accumulation of nuclear and other weapons, wars, famine, natural disasters, wide spread lack of faith, and so on. These thoughts made me feel “sorry” for God. I felt that God had so much to do and I sincerely wanted to assist, so I made God a proposal. I said, God, “I am so sorry that you have all these things to deal with, and so from now on I don’t want you to worry about me, I will look after myself so that you can direct all your attention at looking after everyone else.”
While these words may come across as arrogant, they were uttered in good faith. I did not know any better. But no sooner had I spoken than my life began to unravel. My head was spinning and I could not hold a thought together. I began to panic as I wondered if I was experiencing a psychotic episode. Then I remembered what I had said to God! I retracted my words and instantly, everything came back to normal for me. I knew then that I am always sustained by God, without Whom, my life would be a wreck!
I have not ceased seeking answers to mysteries, but a few things have changed in this regard. Firstly, I have come to accept the fact that I am a creature and so my understanding may always be limited to the senses I have. I do not know what I don’t know, I don’t even know where thoughts come from, I am not capable of unravelling life’s mysteries. I can only know what God chooses to reveal. As well, I accept the fact that human logic is not the only means of arriving at truths, there are many compelling patterns in life, which do not yield to human understanding, but which nonetheless, provide us with valuable information.
Recently, a Christian friend who had been reading a book on anthropology drew my attention to the fact that humans have worshipped over twenty three hundred gods. How could he be certain that the “Christian God” is the correct god, he wondered. I asked him whether or not the Christian God has ever told him to do something that his conscience did not agree with. No, he responded, the Christian God has in fact always challenged his conscience and always sought to teach him love and wisdom.
Hebrews 8:10-12 New International Version (NIV)
This is the covenant I will establish with the people of Israel after that time, declares the Lord. I will put my laws in their minds and write them on their hearts. I will be their God, and they will be my people. No longer will they teach their neighbor, or say to one another, ‘Know the Lord,’ because they will all know me, from the least of them to the greatest. For I will forgive their wickedness and will remember their sins no more.”
And so today, my relationship with God is that of a Father and His child.
Jeremiah 18:1-11 New International Version (NIV)
This is the word that came to Jeremiah from the Lord: “Go down to the potter’s house, and there I will give you my message.” So I went down to the potter’s house, and I saw him working at the wheel. But the pot he was shaping from the clay was marred in his hands; so the potter formed it into another pot, shaping it as seemed best to him.
The Lord is my Shepherd, He teaches me about the hidden things in my heart and He shows me the path that leads to life, and with His sustenance I am able to learn and to grow in my love of Him and in my love of my neighbour. Jesus came to help me live life more abundantly, all that is required of me is acceptance of His love.